Solipsism

I can't figure out if I'm really doing better, or if I'm entering a state of cold denial and isolation.

I've honestly shut myself off from everyone for the past two weeks.

I spend the majority of my day alone.

I don't know, I guess I'm just numb.

My Dad is calling tomorrow about a psychologist. 

I don't feel that I need one, but he seems to think so.

I think it's the sporadic periods of crying that worry him.

Like today when I pretty much accidentally gave myself a double dose of insulin and I was panicking. 

I just miss the days when I didn't have to worry about this. 

I know most people could give two shits about what I'm dealing with.

If it's not your problem, why would you care?

I'd probably do the same before all of this happened.

Still, it hurts.

I guess I'm just tired of pretending I'm okay with all of this to appease other people.

On the plus side, I'm sincerely enjoying having nothing to do from Monday to Friday.

It's really giving me a chance to clear my head.

Managing this thing at work is a huge headache. 

I think this is the last time I'll write on xanga for a while.

Grades

3.8 y'all!

So now I have a 3.52 overall :]

I have no idea how that happened. 

My jaw literally dropped when I saw it. 

I was convinced that my laziness and apathy towards school would fuck me over this semester.

But I guess not. 

On the contrary, it seems to be working to my advantage.

I swear if I couldn't write papers I would have like a 2.0 right now.

I think I'm gonna apply to honors college now. 

Today's gonna be a busy day.

Dietitian appointment at noon.

Diabetes educator at 1:20.

The latter wants to talk to me about using an insulin pump.

I'm kind of on the fence about it. 

It would make eating a hell of a lot easier since I wouldn't have to weigh the pros and cons of having a muffin at 2pm anymore.

But the whole having a tube and needle in your belly 24/7 is a bit daunting.

We'll see. 

On the plus side, I will literally never be afraid of needles again.

Also, I'm convinced that no one knows what they're doing.

Doctor tells me to call the pharmacy, pharmacy tells me to call the insurance company, insurance company tells me to talk to the pharmacy insurance company, and I end up using the internet because I can do a better job.

I went to the Morton Arboretum with my Mom this week.

She tries so hard, and I feel awful for getting bitchy with her. 

She's just so overbearing sometimes.

So my French class friend texted me all the way from freaking Nigeria this weekend just to ask how I was doing with everything.

That really made me happy.

I just wish I knew whether or not he had a girlfriend.

I don't trust men.

On another note, Meghan (who happens to know everyone's secrets at work) pretty much blew my mind during our conversation on Sunday.

Let's just say there's a few people at work I will never be able to look the same at again.

In short--I know way more about other people's sex lives than I ever wanted to.

I'm going to limit how much I'm at that place this summer.

I cannot spend 5 days a week there again.

I can't wait to start applying for internships next year and all that good stuff. 

I told my mom that I feel like there may be a silver lining to all of this otherwise awful news.

I'm more motivated to succeed now because I have to work that much harder to compensate. 

It doesn't make me upset now, and it is what it is. 

I want summer to get started already :]

Chill Time

Yesterday was seriously the longest work day of my life.

Maybe because last weekend at the same time I was lying on the beach.

I found out that basically everyone has been interrogating Sara about what's going on with me.

I don't care if people know, but it is kind of funny to hear their guesses.

I love that one kid asked me if I was pregnant.

You could honestly make a show based on the weirdness of where I work.

I've contemplated it.

I am so looking forward to having Monday through Friday off.

I don't even know what I'm gonna do with myself.

This summer I will: read, write, re-read my books on physics and astronomy, get a tattoo (which my father has agreed to pay for oddly enough), exercise, get my diabetes under control, volunteer at JDRF, re-enforce my relationships with the people that are most important to me, and so on.

Oh, and practice for the LSAT--just because.

I bought a book yesterday.

I'm beginning to retreat back into my extremely introverted ways.

Which I really really like.

This year was social overload for me.

99% of which I couldn't give two shits about.

Small talk is like anesthesia of my brain.

A lot of people that don't know me have trouble understanding how I "shut down" in large groups.

As soon as its over 6 people or so, I just begin to tune everyone out due to boredom.

My buddy from French class and I were talking and he said the exact same thing.

I was just like--you get me.

It's just too much empty conversation going on at once.

People ask me if I'm sad or something, my sister especially.

I'm so so so grateful that my uncle is taking us to Colorado again this summer.

I have the best family ever.

We're going for the week of the 4th.

I was talking to Steph about how I was really worried about not having insurance and getting sick and blah blah blah.

And she asked me if I seriously thought that our family would ever let anything happen to me.

And that really made me feel better.

I know they wouldn't.

Finals

Mexico was nice, very relaxing.

I'm so happy that my sister didn't get drunk so I wouldn't feel left out. 

I had a moment during the reception, but other than that I was ok for the whole trip.

It's great fun watching your family members get drunk and make fools of themselves.

Thanks to this whole new sleep schedule thing, I've been getting up on time everyday.

I didn't know I was capable of waking up at 5 am two days in a row. 

Summer is less than 24 hours away. 

Fuck you, Russian lit paper.

I just need to murder this thing and be done with it. 

I'm not gonna go back to working weekdays for at least two weeks.

Too much shit to do. 

I'm considering going inactive from my sorority for a semester.

That or just not showing up.

I really don't wanna deal with it this year, not on top of everything else.

I'm honestly just annoyed with it now and I don't care.

Got an A in international relations.

Studied for one hour. 

Winning.

I looked up NOLS's policy on illness and disabilities. 

Thanks to lawyers, they can't tell me no.

There's even an entire separate form and planning procedure for diabetic participants.

That made me so happy.

I want it even more now, I don't care if it's a risk.

I'm fucking wanna go to Alaska like I've always planned to.

And Japan, which isn't as lofty of a goal.

There's so much I want to do this summer.

I am going so HAM on this JDRF walk.

Already raised $160.

There's no reason to sit around and bitch, I'm still alive.

Time to get cracking.

I really need to start actually reading the books for school..

Official

Confirmed type 1.

Hello insulin forever.

It amazes me how caring some people can be.

I was a total emotional wreck (again) after French class.

Black kid (yes he has a name) gave me a bear hug and sat with me for like an hour and got me tissues.

Usually I hate crying in front of people but I just didn't care.

He was totally non-judgmental and kind.

Endocrinologist tomorrow.

We'll see what happens.

On the plus side--no school tomorrow.

Hello D-card.

I think people misunderstand diabetes as something that's "not a big deal."

It's a big deal to me, my entire life just changed.